What make affairs happen?
For as long as human beings have been involved with each other, breaches in the form of affairs have unraveled and have had the same impact on couples centuries ago as they do today. Couples who thought they had a relationship where there would never be a betrayal of infidelity have been deeply challenged by the process and continue to be so
What is the effect on partnerships?
The feelings of guilt, anger, rage, betrayal, deep intense hurt, distrust, worthlessness and more can be so evocative and so intensely overwhelming that it’s no surprise that many couples break apart in reactivity and leave the relationship with mountains of unresolved pain and suffering. I have certainly witnessed many couples who go in that direction. And, I have also seen many couples go the other way and open to a deeper relationship with each other through this process and end up tremendously richer and more in love with each other ultimately as a result of the process. It is true that it can take a long time to heal the chasm that forms between two people when this kind of event occurs. And, most couples don’t realize that every feeling that an affair evokes no matter which person went outside the relationship, is a feeling that triggers all the unfelt experiences of that feeling. For example, betrayal evokes all known or unknown betrayals, hurt evokes all deep hurts, distrust evokes all deep distrust and so on.
The opportunity
At this point in the journey, many couples break up. The feelings of what are evoked are often so maddeningly overwhelming, that for many couples the idea of splitting up seems like the only option. If the longing to have a deeper connection with each other and to transform the wreckage into pearls of wisdom the create love and connection outweigh the pain, then the affair process can be opened to as a tremendous opportunity for growth, expansion, change and deepening intimacy. This is not easy as I have said before, but the couples who have chosen this path before you have benefited tremendously from the process and ultimately experienced a phenomenal sense of triumph and growth. They actually have been grateful for the crisis for what it opened them up to through the growth work, which ultimately the benefit was far greater that the initial pain that erupted at the time of revelation of the infidelity
The healing work
So, if you’ve come this far as a couple, then the healing work begins of really looking at much more closely and intimately together what the intense feelings and the process have evoked for each one of you. We apply this examination both historically in other relationships and even before that in earlier years so that we can hold a wider shared perspective. This begins a process of creating a newer partnership based on the inclusion of more wholeness from each partner and this creates an intimacy that’s new and evocative in a forwarding and positive way. It also creates safety to reveal more wholly the deeper longings of the relationship and this can be opened to as well in a context of safety, compassion, and acceptance. From there, hurts can be processed, betrayals unraveled, rage released, and understanding built. And this opens the way to create new agreements and ways of evolving and being in relationship.